I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
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