dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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