i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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