he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
