Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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