I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
