my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
