He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
