No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
