Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
