i was born a porn star she said
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
