Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
