Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
