Umm I'm too high to move.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
