I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
