im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
