Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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