Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
