u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
