he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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