So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
