I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
