I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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