You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
