I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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