woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
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Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
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I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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