I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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