We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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