Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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