you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
