I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
