I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
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There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
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Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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