i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
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she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
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We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My ass is underappreciated
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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