For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
