Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
