I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
