if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
That's when you crack a 10am beer
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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