Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We left the knife in your bed.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
