why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
