Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
