when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
