this just has baby written all over it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
