one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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