the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
