He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
