: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
