omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
