i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
