dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
