When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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