my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
