Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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