Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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