I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
