everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My vagina is officially offended.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
