Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
