my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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