Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
