Cold hands, warm shart.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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