I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
